“When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction”
Peter Bromberg
In my work with clients they regularly struggle with certain relationships. They may be; people they work alongside, people they work with (or for), friends and even family members. When we discuss the relationship issues, it’s almost always due to that person’s behaviour. When I ask what they are doing about it, the answer is often the same “There’s nothing I can do about it, is there?” The answer lies in having a ‘difficult conversation’ to make the person aware of their behaviour, the impact it has on others and gauging their feedback to understand, will they change? Throughout our lives we are conditioned to ‘play nicely’ or not to ‘upset people’ or to ‘bite our lip’. This is terrible advice and it always has been. Allowing bad behaviour to continue through the fear of a difficult conversation allows people who display ‘low self-awareness’ and ‘bad behaviour’ to become even worse!
So what can you do about it?
“Difficult conversations that allow each one to move forward are the best conversations!”
Adrian McGinn
Well when this topic comes up with my clients we discuss it, then use a format for handling the situation. I’ve used it a lot, it’s simple, powerful and proven – it works!
The answer lies in following a structure. In situations like this people tend to be highly emotional, there is often upset, disbelief, frustration and anger. Structure allows you to view things differently, it makes you think more clearly and objectively.
“We tend to judge others by their behaviour and ourselves by our intentions”
Albert Schlieder
The structure or process I work through with my clients is this:
1. Examine myself
2. Desired outcome
3. Feedback – Behaviour & Impact
4. Check their perspective
5. Get leverage
6. Change
7. Future pace
Here is an explanation of each step so you can apply it yourself:
1. Examine myself
The first step is always a ‘sense-check’ about your perspective on the person’s behaviour. Be clear on what is happening and the reason it bothers you so much. Identify some specific examples of the behaviour and just check that it’s worth dealing with. This initial exercise will either ‘amplify the situation’ or make you realise it’s not ‘worthy of your time or energy’.
2. Desired outcome
Assuming this first step has made you realise you must tackle the behaviour, the next step is similar to Goal setting, be clear on your ‘Desired Outcome’. If you could change this person’s awareness or behaviour, how would you want them to behave instead? This is critical, take your time to get this right. Once you are clear on it, this informs your next steps. You’re now ready to have the conversation.
3. Feedback – Behaviour & Impact
So you are sitting with the person having the conversation. Ask them for permission to give them some ‘feedback’, for example “Would you mind if I gave you some feedback on something?” In this situation, it’s very rare someone says “No”. Now, explain the behaviour you’ve seen and the feeling or emotion it causes. For example; “I’ve noticed that in this situation, you say inappropriate things, such as [your own example]. It makes me feel uncomfortable, upset and anxious”. We use the phrase “it makes me feel” as it expresses emotion and cannot be challenged, they are your feelings only you truly know what they are.
Once you’ve said this, you must allow them time and space to process what you’ve told them.
4. Check their perspective
Once this has sunk in, you now gently question them, for example “Where you aware of this?” It is incredibly rare that someone is completely unaware. Generally speaking, they have been behaving in this way ‘unchallenged’ for so long that their behaviour has deteriorated. At this stage you just need acknowledgement from them of the behaviour (you don’t need to understand it, unless you really want to).
5. Get leverage
Once you have both acknowledged it and agreed, the difficulty for you has passed. You will notice a shift, the pressure has moved from you to them, they’ve admitted there is an issue. In order for them to change, they need to establish a reason to change. You can help them through ‘leverage’. The best way to get leverage is to ask them a simple question “What do you think will happen if you carry on doing this?” Keep asking them about the implications, until you notice they have taken the situation seriously. When that happens, they are open to change.
6. Change
Only now do you ask them ‘what do they want instead?’ and ‘what changes will they make?’. Any sooner than this and they are not ready, there’s not enough commitment and they will not sustain change. Notice the wording of the questions are focussed on the ‘Desired outcome’ and the ‘changes they will make’. This creates stronger and more specific commitment.
7. Future pace
Finally, once they have identified the changes they will make (and you’ve both agreed that will improve the situation), you’re ready to ‘future pace’. You are now enabling yourself to have this conversation again in the future, if things don’t change. This conversation will never be difficult for you again, it will only be difficult for them if they don’t change. You do this by asking a final question “How can I remind you of this in future, so that you stay on track?” Agree how you will address this with them, position this as your commitment to help them change.
“Knowledge without application is like the wind without a sail to harness it”
Burt Goldman
If you apply this model alongside the models in the previous articles, you will develop your leadership skills and capability. They will help you shape positive and healthy relationships in all areas of your life. As a leader, these principles will help you positively influence people within your organisation at all levels, if you learn to integrate them into your daily work.
As always, I wish you every success in applying this on your own leadership development journey.
Justin Leigh is an accredited Executive Coach and Leadership Mentor. He works with Senior Leaders to develop High Performance organisations. His passion is helping people to become the best they can be. He has worked for large corporations for over 20 years and is experienced in Leadership, Business, Sales & Marketing.
Justin is the Managing Director of Focus4growth Ltd. He can be reached at the following address:
email: [email protected]
The Sales Acceleration Scorecard!
Schedule 15 minutes In your diary, follow the link below, answer the questions and you’ll be starting a process that will change everything.
CLICK HERE to access the Scorecard.
Learn more about the SCORECARD HERE
Whether you’re new to sales, an experienced sales professional or a leader looking to improve the consistency and performance of your sales organisation, you’ll gain immense value from these articles, the scorecard and the INSPIRE, INFLUENCE, SELL book. Our systems map out a memorable sales process over several steps and also include mastery content for each stage of the system, which will give you deeper insight and expertise. The combination of foundational and specialist material ensures that no matter where you’re starting from, you can become a skilled salesperson.
You might want to work through these articles at the foundational level and return to the Sales Mastery sections once you get to grips with the overall system and have developed your skills. Each article starts with an experience story in which I share relevant, valuable anecdotes. If you prefer to dive straight into the sales system, you can skip that content. These articles are designed to be accessible and flexible, so that you get the most out of them.
As you work through each stage, I suggest you make notes in a journal or notebook. This will help you learn and adopt the content.